please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
all i remember is him tryin to explain to the girls how to effectively hit the strip club with their bfs
hes actually pretty persuasive when he drinks
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
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