So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
you humped every kiosk in the store. then you asked for an application.
I made him hve sex with me in the elevator so that I could put my finger down in never have I ever.
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
Did you ask Harvard boi?
Apparently he likes someone who is into being smart and a supporter of human rights ugh what a skank
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