So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
After I talked about my ex for about twenty minutes, she just listened, sluts are so understanding
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
Also, just saw a kid in a gorilla costume being questioned by a boardwalk cop. I love ocean city.
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
posting about faith hill is really not helping you get me into your bed
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
Randomize
