I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
My dad just gifted me an alaskan flag he stole from the govenor's mansion. He said it was to hang on the wall at 3316, to start a morning ritual. Then he mimed kegstands and vomiting. Senior year will be epic.
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
I can see the future and your future is full of penis
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
And Mike keeps telling Will that love at first sight is true and this is just a shit show. Help.
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
You have such a talent for this
Friendship, or finding weed?
Yes
Randomize
