I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
if you can see her tanning goggle line that's officially a deal breaker
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
he has the ass of a greek god and he made me breakfast
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
Randomize