If there was chocolate on Regis Philban's dick, I would totally lick it off. That's how desperate I am for some right now.
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
he was grinding on you and dedicated the song "I'm in Love With a Stripper" to you then started taking his own clothes off
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
On a scale from 1-10 how fucked up would it be to buy weed with my fafsa money?
It's a study aid
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
Randomize
