By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
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