I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
suddenly SuperBad didn't seem so funny anymore...she did have her period on my leg.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
Randomize
