I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
all the sharp corners in my house are covered with litter foam blocks. al set for partying
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
If there was a saddle on his sack, she would ride it.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
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