Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
you were trying to control your nosebleed while having someone hold your four loko while you drank it through a straw. all at the same time. that is commitment.
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
its gotten to the point where if her hand isn't on my butt i think we're in a fight
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
It is like...the most transformative hard on I have ever had.
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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