I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
Speaking of gay, some dude in a life vest just goes, we should pull our dicks out! To larry. Were leaving now. I saw penis
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
Randomize
