i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
Part in the USA is on your top 25 most played on iTunes. you have NO RIGHT to judge me.
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
