dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
The camp director doesn't care if we drink and i'm running the rifle range. Someone is going to get sued.
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
Probably gonna run and pray I throw up. Then go get a coffee/bagel & continue to rally
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
Randomize
