I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
You kept telling that ginger girl, "it's not your fault, it's not your fault, it's not your fault."
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
It's like some sort of initiation to finger one of them... so I did it. And got high fived afterwards like a dozen times.
Those were right hand only?
I am putting together a break up mix and its pretty much the best of Phil Collins
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
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