dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
i just made my gag reflex go away.
three guys just busted into my bio lecture, yelled "happy st. patrick's day!", downed jagerbombs, and left.
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
He fucks like those drill things that you see when you think of texas
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
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