Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
why do all the strippers look like they came from fraggle rock
Gross thing of the day...i got cum in my new boots
I don't care how ugly she is, I can't turn down a free movie +bj. In this economy that's downright irresponsible
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
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