I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
What's the point of having 3 fuck buddies when their periods all seem to sync up
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
i screwed him while his gf was puking in the shower. 2011 is looking up already
I cleaned out the fridge, had to pound the brews. I am going to be wrecked for my final at 1
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
Randomize
