u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
His cuteness will no longer contol my vagina
Just had a serious discussion with my ex-boyfriend about sexy nurse vs. sexy teacher. So score one for friendship I guess.
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
I sure hope so...I wonder if he could tell in that email that I'm really good at blow jobs. Hopefully he heard that tone. Any means necessary.
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
Randomize
