I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
Idk woke up on the suite in someone else's clothing and actually broke my ankle
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
