I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
I'll report later on the progress of the mountain orgy
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
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