I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
do not get into a discussion with my roommate when im sitting there naked ever again.
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
