I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
is it sad that whenever i need to spell "independent" i still sing that one rap song?
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
the reputation of my dick game is on the line. You're killing the team, here, G
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
I sucked his dick by a creek, how romantic.
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