Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
She is wasted and this random lady got her to suckle milk from her tit
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
Well, our assistant supervisor caught us on the back stairs...he invited us on a double date with his fiance and him. I guess our job approves of the relationship?
I'm just gonna start letting dudes eat it. American idol for my vagina
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
Randomize
