The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
I think his roommates are using word magnets to tell me that they can hear us. His fridge currently says, "Chris ate out naughty girl."
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
What can I say, like your penis. The fact that I like the person attached to it helps too
Randomize
