Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
The amount of drugs I did this weekend make me concerned about my health but at the same time fascinated to see if I could do more
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
Bud light made chelada as a breakfast for those of us with class at 8 am
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
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