Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
Got a basket, 50 condoms, some candy, 100 plastic eggs & my bunny costume. Campus will feel my wrath in 2 weeks
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
Randomize