I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
How naked do you want me to be?
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
Randomize
