he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
Remember, ur body isn't a visitors center
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
Randomize
