no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
pain. pain everywhere. this is why throwing yourself at concrete is a bad idea.
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
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