My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
His mom just described him as a manipulative, deceitful bastard -- oddly I still want him
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
He said i got a new job lets blow this money he bought 4 bottles at the club he is now crying after seeing the reciept
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
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