I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
She was not exactly lady-like. Down there.
I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
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