hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
i think the sex is so good because i get a contact high just from fucking him
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
is buying liquor on my lunch break too aggressive?
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
Ever been to a strip club with one stripper? I have. And she sucked.
Randomize
