just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
well, unfortunately the rug burn lasted longer than the actual relationship
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize
