dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
I drank mimosas and played bocce ball in the middle of finals week...now i know how Comm majors feel all the time.
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
he asked me to hangout with him...and his son
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
Eberyones makin fun of me cuz I found a snail and caught him and put him in a bocks for u
My only expectation is honesty. And three orgasms every time.
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
Question: If I got in a car accident and lost my memory of us, would you work your way back just so we could be fuck buddies again?
I'm watching The Vow and just need to know that I'm loved in some way
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
Randomize
