gin and tonic in a mug. no limes so im using canned madarin oragnes. classy or trashy?
homeless.
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
the point of no return was when you "drugged" his drink with glitter. face-planting on his dick was beyond.
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
I forgot I did whipits. Probably because my brain cells were killed from the whipits
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
Randomize
