I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
I'm sorry but that single bed couldn't hold all five of us, especially with those boobs.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
He yanked my breathe right strip off in the middle of me riding him.
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
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