My nipple is on Facebook.
This kristen chick is fuckin nuts. She's pyscho. She's a trainwreck. She carries baggage. She's... Perfect.
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
Its so akward after he cums on my face. like usually the porn just ends
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
we tried to exchange flip flops in the parking lot and fell over then army crawled home
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
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