You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
I think it is impossible 2 take a person seriously when their last name is Pancake
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
I have a whole new respect for her. She chugged half a bottle of jack daniels, and then peed all over his wall. Serves him right.
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