I chugged a bottle of robotussein and i ducking saw a blind lady on a purch sewing a shirt! And a tree portal
I'd rather say I'm a whore then admit it's his child. Its that bad.
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
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