It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
my dad has now seen 6 different dudes grab my ass. i guess i should start a list.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
Randomize