I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
how much do I hate his dog? was just googling to see if you can rent a hungry eagle for the weekend hate.
All I want is some guy to eat me out while I work on grad school things then go on his way
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
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