yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
I'm looking for sex. Do you know her?
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
Everyone loves nachos, first of all. Second, Ke$ha is entirely appropriate for the age grou too young to realize she probably has Hep C.
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
jut tell him gently that you'd rather spend more time with his dick than his face
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
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