I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
Fake an illness. Her and her friends are like the female version of guys who wear tapout shirts
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
I woke up and they were watching power rangers in japanese so I just found my bra and left
I don't care who you bring as long as they are fun and not a cop
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
I had sex on a seadoo on the middle of the lake lastnight
im looking at the positives. number one it stopped me from hooking up with vince infront of his girl, number two it gave me something to do instead of throwing up and number three i fuckin rocked his world
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Randomize
