I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
I feel like there's def a learning curve to the sex swing
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
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