the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
I think it really helped to be hungover at accepted students day. it gave me a good feel for how it would be everyday if I go there.
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
I resent the implication of a jizz addiction
Randomize
