his facebook status quotes britney spears so there is always that
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
Is it wrong that im more embaressed about the karoke than the toplessness?
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
Next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
Randomize
