You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
i need to un-sleep with a few of those brothers before we ever go back to that house again. i'm serious. i will not be a fraternity groupie.
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
Randomize
