Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
what kind of vibe do I give off that a guy i've never hung out with thinks its okay to send me a picture of his ball cleavage?
Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
I remember seeing LSAT prep books and thinking "Whose room is this? I should be hooking up with them instead."
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
Is it penis luge time yet?
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
But how do I turn off the feelings though?
Vodka.
It's not even noon and I've had 3 people call me a savage, one of them said it in reference to the blow job I gave them. So I guess you could say it's going to be a good weekend
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
Randomize
