Go study a dick amy that's outrageous
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
That was the first time I have seen a confused expression with a dick in the mouth
will barter weed for kareoke machine...
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
I'm pretty sure I naked in my first year of college more than I was as a baby.
Randomize
