sometimes i wonder what i would do without sheltered catholic girls w/ overprotective parents
never have sex?
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
Her vagina felt like a fur coat. It was weird at first but I kinda liked it
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
It's okay. I've dumbed down my notes over the semester because I knew I wouldn't be up to understanding things come finals.
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
Chili is not acceptable fuck buddy food.
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
