mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
You just compared our sex life to a seven year old kid.
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
We ran out of things to say while we were playing Never Have I Ever so we started playing I Have Done This... Have You?
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
The highlight of my week is I found some hetero porn I didn't completely hate. Branching out.
Randomize
