For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
Lmao the neighbor heard yall last night She wanted me to tell you way to finish strong
P.S. The slutty NASCAR driver costume will be saved and used year round for role play.
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
Have you seen him ? Seriously. No one is that straight.
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
I'm now forever going to blame miss frizzle for making me the sexual deviant that I am today
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
Randomize
