why didn't you poke me back
dude i'm inner monologue high
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
and i'm pretty sure he drank the lava lamp
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
Gregs sitting in the living room in his underwear hitting the bong watching a rob schneider movie. His lack of fuck giving is inspirational
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
He said that I looked like a "ghost had crawled up into my vagina and died"..so yeah, I'd say the hangover was noticeable.
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
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