I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
Just saw the homeless asian lady making a hispanic man pull her shopping cart with a harness. I love Boston.
Just gave my little brother the collection of clothes that boys have left in my room since I've been in college for his birthday.
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
The only thing that got rode last night was the shit face train. I brought him home to see wht all the hype was about and he just started crying and puking in my bathroom.
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
Randomize
