I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
So many stories. To uyou are sober. I heart you though. Jesus. Dirrty dancing jusyt came oine!!no. Lie.
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
Ok she stopped using her fork and knife and is legit eating that steak using her hands.
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
Only time and a comprehensive case study of all of your relationships will tell.
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
He was super adorable, like I wanna pinch his cheeks while I fuck him...
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
She picked a quarter off the floor, kissed it "for luck" and won the $20,000 jackpot. She bought dinner and stayed sober to drive us home. This is a typical example of a visit with my sister.
Randomize
