I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
In retrospect, it was a terrible idea, going down on her with these ulcers in my mouth.
shes trying to light up her bowl in front of the fan. everytime it blows it out she just gives it a dirty look.
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
his semen tasted like maple syrup. no wonder fat girls always wanna fuck him.
We had to coat check the pizza.
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
Randomize
