I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
Woke up in time for my 8:15
Good for you I'm impressed
I realized 10 minutes in it was a class from last semester
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
well one of us has to be wrong and it's not going to be me
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
Randomize
