Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
all i know is that i listed him in my phone as 'vagina cookies.' that can only be a good thing.
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
It's no longer hooking up, we have definitely graduated to Sport Fucking....
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
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